I watched a movie the other day where a guy could travel back in time and change the outcome of what happened in life. It made me think that I wish I could do that. I wish I could go back in time to the day I met him. The moment he walked in with the bloody, and scarred face and just smile at him and not feel what I did at that moment. I've never felt so connected or drawn to someone in my life. When I think about it I almost want to kick myself because I don't know why. He had bandages and I could barely even see his features. Yet I was drawn to the man with the eye patch. Something about his kind soul instantly connected with mine. Had I known now what the road ahead would look like, I would have ran. Which brings me back to my original point - I wish I could change that moment. I wish I could change the fact that I made sure we sat next to each other that night. I would change that numerous times after that I made sure to be at every place I knew he would be at because I wanted to see him. I would change the fact that little old me would actually try and put effort into my looks because for once I cared what a guy actually thought of me. I would change me trying to tell my friends that this man was for me and we were going to end up together. I would change the fact that I was blinded by a man I thought I knew...but didn't.
If I could go back, I would smile at this pirate, shake his hand, walk away and sit on the couch with my girlfriends like every other night. Then I would chide myself for thinking there was something there that wasn't and never open my heart to something that would eventually change me forever.

If only.

30

Some days it hits me that I am an actual 30 year old woman. Today was one of those days where I sat back and thought about life, and how I always pictured it so differently than it is. When I was 25 I got married to a man I thought I knew, and I ran off with him after I broke the heart of a guy that I had been with for 2 years. Sounds harsh? That's because it was. My young naive self thought love was all about the butterflies and fairy tales. A man that I knew for almost my whole life wooed me and told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I fell for it. I let him talk me into marrying him faster then I could even get my thoughts together to say no. I had never made a decision like, that and I think that deep down I had always craved to do something extreme and not care. Well, the reality of the situation set in and all the words I had heard had no actions to back them up. It was over before it ever even began - I just didn't see it before it was too late. I ended up walking away with a broken, and regretful heart. My actions hurt me, but most of all people I truly did care about. Do I think it was a mistake that I married him? That's a tough one for me to answer. For many years I barely mentioned it. Even close friends didn't know I had been married before. It was as if it was something I was so ashamed of that I couldn't even admit to it. I closed myself up and made myself a promise I wouldn't ever talk about it. I realize now how damaging that actually was. When I finally did start talking about it, I was so broken and emotionally scarred that it showed. I hadn't let myself heal. I drowned myself in alcohol and careless living to numb the pain of my regret. I "gave" myself to "men" who didn't give a damn about me because it helped me not give a damn. No emotional connection was what I thought I wanted and needed. Maybe it helped, but I highly doubt it. It took me 2 years to finally admit to people in my small group at church what had happened. Even then, not everyone knew details. See, the truth is, I want to blame him for breaking my heart, lying, and using me. But I can't do that because it's not right. I made the decision to marry him and I did love him. For years I've been regretting it, but I'm not going to anymore. That part of my life has made me into the strong and independent woman I am today. I've spent the last 4 years trying to piece back the life that I thought I had lost, when that's not how it is. I lived, I loved, and I lost. Life goes on. I can't regret the decisions that I once so badly wanted. I've learned so much in 5 years. I mean heck, I even gave my heart to someone else 2 years after and I COMPLETELY got it broken again(which is obvious from past posts). Life is so full of amazing opportunities that you have to jump on them when they present themselves. You risk your heart in any situation where emotions are involved. I realize this, and I think that I'm finally willing to open up this heart of mine to heal and love again.

In 5 years I have seen more heartbreak then I ever thought possible. The road of despair has seemed endless, but I've also had so many wonderful moments and memories with people that I wouldn't take back even if I could. I've lost myself, and I've found myself. I fell into the deepest pits of despair laying there wondering how I would ever get out - but He helped me out. He has always helped me through every moment. Because I put my identity in a guy (or guy's), I know that has a huge part in my relationship history. I'm learning and continually learn that I can't place my identity in a man because they will always let me down. The only person who never will let me down is Christ.

So here is to my 30's. I'm claiming them to be my best and favorite time of my life. I'm also claiming that I find the man of my dreams and live "happily ever after." ; )

It's been awhile

I completely forgot I even had a blog until I was browsing my own profile and saw this link. Crazy how it's been a little over a year since I last posted something. I could tell by the content of it that my heart was still badly broken from a man I gave my entire heart to. I would love to say that the heart is healed and I've moved on, but I would be lying to myself. I haven't been the same since. Every day that has gone past has been a little easier, but the pain and feeling of loss is always there. I can't ever remember a time in my life that has been harder on me then that break up. When I look back I wonder to myself how someone could get so deeply inside your heart and soul that when you lose it you feel like you've lost a part of yourself. It's like the person completed who you were and when it's gone, so are you...or something like that. The whole love thing has never really been my strong point. I've broken more hearts then I would like to admit. Maybe it was just my time to be the one hurt for once. The more that time goes on, the more I move on, but my heart isn't the same. It's not the same carefree and loving heart that once was. The walls around my heart are bigger then they ever were before (and I thought I had some mighty strong ones!). Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to ever let them down. But then I remember that's how I felt before him too, and look what happened. Love is crazy. It's crazy, it's hard, it's overwhelming, it's confusing, it sucks, but most of all it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. No matter how much I would love to say I despise it and never want to be in love again... I would be lying to myself. I want to be in love. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. To know that someone at the end of the day always has my back and loves me with their whole heart. A best friend. A place that's safe and consistent that I can always count on. Without it being ripped out of my life again. Maybe that's why my relationships aren't working...because I'm so scared that I'm going to let someone in and the same thing is going to happen. Or maybe it's because deep down I am still that girl who loves that boy no matter how many months or years pass. But that girl realized a long time ago that the boy who promised "forever" would leave and never come back. Forever is a word some people use and have no understanding of the meaning. No one should ever utter the word forever when it has to do with love. Because forever never happens and there is always one person who is the broken one trying to put the pieces back together of a broken love story.

Emotions are a horrible thing that I have just learned to hide. At least where people other then family and friends are concerned. This heart of mine has just had too much pain to handle anymore heartbreak. I'm just not sure the risk is worth it anymore. I may prefer being single and changing the world one day at a time. That seems like a safer more realistic approach if you ask me. : )

I almost do

Sometimes, when there are no words, there are lyrics. Today is one of those days. Thank you T. Swift for once again writing a song that fits perfectly in my life.


"I Almost Do"

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
Cuz each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess babe
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

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Some days are just harder than others. I despise the emotional ones where you just want to cry.

I am a very open person, and I will talk to anyone about anything. But if there is one thing I am weary of doing, it is showing my emotions because of my fear of getting hurt. In the last few years I have experienced more hurt than I ever thought I would, and I have questioned many times, why me?! I know that I make stupid decisions, and many times I set myself up, but the questions still come. I read this blog a few months ago by a former stripper who came out and has been redeemed by Jesus , and I recently came across it in my journal and I once again am reminded of how much Jesus loves me(even though it is sometimes so hard to grasp). 

"Love Is Already There"

Her heart will not heal.  She feels like it just stays in a broken state.  Her heart is stronger than it was before but still wide open, unafraid and very vulnerable.  She wonders if maybe He just won’t allow it to heal.  Perhaps, only one love can ever fill that void. She seems to understand this but still she keeps running away.

She feels He is fighting for her.  Perhaps He is guarding her from more self-destruction and heartache.  She seems to feel protected from her vice, the one she always chooses, love.  He won’t allow anyone else try to heal her.  It’s His job.  She still searches for the fairytale she read in a book.  A fairytale she still believes can happen to a girl like her.  She seeks a love that doesn’t ever go away.

Her emotions are like a roller coaster just the way He made her.  They are so intense and hard to hold back.  She keeps searching and hoping to find her love.  People tell her when you stop looking is when you’ll find it.  She needs a peaceful heart.  She needs the kind of heart that is everything that her mind has determined she’s not.  Life has never been peaceful for her.

The harder she seeks love, the more she feels Him pursuing her.  It frightens her because no one else has ever pursued her.  When no one else is around He comes to her.  He turns her crying face towards Him, wipes all her tears away and tells her how much He loves her.  He calls her His beloved daughter and rocks her to sleep in His arms.  She has peace through the night…

…then the next day she runs again.

She doesn’t know how to accept that His love for her is immeasurable and given to her freely.   In her inconsistent life it doesn’t seem possible that there is a love that never goes away.  Life for her has been drifting from one embrace into another leaving her feeling more defiled.  She sought love from the entire empty world.  She loves Him so much but realizes she also has to accept His love.

She sits in church holding back the tears on Sunday.  She spent the night before seeking admiration and approval in the world. Even though she loves Him she still can’t grasp how He can love a woman like her.  God loved her enough to send His one and only Son to the earth to die and save her from her sins.  He also washed her clean.  She is a new creation.  No matter what anyone thinks of her He adores her.  She is His beloved daughter.  He is not a fairytale but even greater,  the author and inspiration of the greatest love story ever!  He is LOVE in it’s purest form.  She just needs to slow down and take a breath. God’s gift comes without a price.  She needs to accept His love as her main “love source”…

…and stop running. - Chrissy Moran

I am brought to tears by these words. These words of a woman who like me, can't seem to grasp the love of our Savior. The lies that I am not good enough for it haunt me on a daily basis, but I HAVE to believe that He loves me no matter what. That even if I am not blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally, HIS LOVE WILL BE ENOUGH. I have to stop running away from Him, and run towards Him. His arms are holding me regardless of how I feel. He's there, even if I feel like he's not. His love is more than enough for my broken heart. He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me. 

I have always lived by the saying, "everything happens for a reason." I think I started living by that after I read the verse, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." In the last 4 years of my life I think that I have questioned the reasoning behind 90% of what's happened to me, yet I keep believing that regardless of my doubts there is a reason. I've cried enough tears to fill an entire pool I'm sure. I've made more mistakes than I want to even admit. I've loved and lost 2 people I never expected to have to say goodbye to. I've changed from a confident girl who knows what she wants; to an insecure girl with no sense of direction. Anyone who knows me knows I worry a lot, but it seems to be worse then ever now. I remember as little girl(even early teens), my dad would sit there and console me and tell me over and over that worrying was a "sin and Jesus didn't like it" to try and help me stop. So apparently I am a very big sinner because I am worried about something or other all the time.
Which opens the door to my biggest worry -- turning 29 and having nothing be the way I expected or dreamed it to be. I was laid off last year from Borders and it's almost been a year since I've worked which is crazy. I have been working since I was 16 and to not work has been quite an adjustment. Not only was I laid off, but I lost my job and my serious boyfriend who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved before in the same month. Talk about a kick in the ass. There is nothing worse then losing someone that close and having NOTHING to fill your time with to keep your mind off of it. Needless to say I fell into major depression mode. It was worse than anything I have ever experienced. I didn't eat, I slept, I cried, I went crazy, and then I started eating and gained 15 pounds. I was a hot mess. Then one day I was searching the web and I found out the Alaska Airlines was hiring flight attendants. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always DREAMED of being a flight attendant. As my Mom so kindly reminded me, I've only ever talked about becoming a flight attendant, working with kids, and being a mom. So I applied, and shockingly they sent me an email saying they wanted to set up a phone interview! I was so shocked and nervous and I NEVER get nervous about interviews! Finally a few weeks later after a few missed calls on both our parts, I talked to someone and had my official phone interview. I passed and was set up for the actual interview. They told me it could last at least 8 hours and to be prepared. To be honest, I was a little weary about an interview lasting THAT long, but they were right! I walked in that hotel conference room and saw what looked like 100 people there in their fancy suits, and a handful of Alaska employees. I can't lie and say I wasn't intimidated because I was. I wondered how the heck they were going to pick someone, and how many they were going to pick. We started at 8am sharp and I sat next to a couple girls and we ended up "friends" for the first part of the morning. After we sat there for a couple hours they split us into groups of 13 or so and we went into rooms and answered a bunch of questions. I was shockingly not nervous at all. I had gone into the interview with the attitude that "whatever happens, happens", and I wasn't about to think any differently. God had it all worked out and I firmly believed that. After the group interview they go out and "deliberate" and come back and tell you who makes it to the next cut. Girls were freaking out and I felt like I had to be even more calm to calm these girls down. After forever they came back and the girls next to me and myself all made it through to the next part. It was so exciting, but heartbreaking for the girls who didn't make it through. I saw the 2 girls I had made "friends" with that morning walk past the door of the room I was in and knew they hadn't made the cut. It was like a reality show ... and that's how the rest of the day went. A waiting game of different interviews that last from 8am-almost 7pm and I MADE THE CUT! Along with 10 or so others from the 80+ people who were there that morning. I was in complete shock and so overjoyed that I had been one of the "lucky ones" to make it that far. I didn't expect anything, and I walked out of that hotel with a renewed confidence and zest for life. I had accomplished something not many people do, but I had to wait 2 months to start the intense 6 week and pass before I was considered hired and an actual Flight Attendant for Alaska Airlines. My broken heart was on the mend, and I was beyond excited for the next chapter of my life, and accomplishing one of my dreams! Or so I thought...
I honestly can't say when I started doubting that I wanted to actually do the flight attendant thing. I think once the excitement wore off I started realizing that maybe it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted after all. Yes, it was an amazing opportunity which I knew, but something in the back of my mind was not convinced and I couldn't get rid of the doubts. I consulted a few friends and their advice was to at least do the program if I passed all the drug tests (which obviously I would!). I took their advice knowing that if I didn't at least try I would always regret it. I received my official welcoming packet 2 weeks before class, started memorizing all the state codes and learned military time. Class started April 2, 2012. That morning I was so excited/nervous/doubtful/scared/and any other crazy emotion you can think of. I think that was the start of my getting up 2 hours before I had to be to "work" to look the best I could look. There was a dress code and never in my life have I been a fan of dressing up, but I wanted to look good! I felt like such a lady with my "suit" on and my nails painted, even though I didn't feel like myself dressed up so nice. I will always and forever be a jeans, t-shirt, and converse type of girl! ...  As I walked in the room at the training center it was such a huge blessing and relief to see my "friends" from the interview process that made it through with me. I feel like we really did have a bond since that day from such a crazy process we all went through together. There were almost 40 of us altogether scattered around the room with our names on a name tag that would be placed somewhere else on a daily basis so you got to know everyone (such a great idea!) It was intimidating, but the thrill and excitement on all of our faces was obvious. That day was the start of a crazy week. I had no idea I could learn so much information in one day, yet alone 5 days of sitting in a class for at least 8 hours a day. You also get to go to the mock plane and open the doors, the emergency exits, and go through different planes at the airport at the butt crack of done. Let me just say, walking through the airport with 30+ people dressed to their best is a thrilling experience. We felt like badasses with our trainee badges walking on those planes. It was epic that's for sure. : D At the end of the first week we had our "observation flight." This flight would be the last flight as passengers because from there on out you were going to be working is what they said. My flight was to BUR (Burbank, CA.) with a few other girls from my class. The flight was awesome, but I think it was there watching the flight attendants do their job that I knew that it wasn't for me. All the doubts that I had were affirmed on that flight even though I didn't want them to be. I wanted to be one, or so I kept telling myself. I walked off that plane and had the next day off from class. It was then that I tried to get my thoughts together, but spending time with family (Easter weekend), and hearing how excited they were for me just made it worse. How could I let all these people down that were so excited for me?! I started to think that everyone wanted this more than me and so I went back to class Monday telling myself that I would do this. I would not quit, I would give it everything I had, and even if I failed a test and got kicked out that I would finish this race. But it wasn't the same when I sat there and the next day was even worse. I wanted to keep going, but it was literally suffocating me with the thoughts that I knew this wasn't for me and I needed to get out. My roommate in the hotel was AMAZING, and I so badly wanted to talk to her about it, but I didn't know her well enough and just called my mom and my best friend. Both were so understanding and told me I needed to do what I felt was best, regardless of what anyone said or thought. I remember getting off the phone with them, laying on that hotel bed knowing that I was going to walk away and wanting to cry because this had always been my "dream" and I was about to quit. I almost walked out that night, but I knew that I had to be strong and face my roommate, classmates, and instructors. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and I cried telling them I felt my heart was not in it and I was meant for something else. Some of them cried, and I know some of them thought I was crazy, but I didn't regret my decision. The hardest person to tell was the "boss". He made me feel like I was crazy and pretty much smacked me in the face with the reality of what kind of opportunity I was giving up, but said he respected my decision and if I wanted to re-apply in 6 months because I changed my mind that I should. I find it hard to think they would rehire me after walking away, but it made me feel good. So I walked away from an opportunity that maybe have been the best I will ever have, but I walked away with no regrets. I met the most amazing people there and I am so blessed to have even been chosen for the job. So many apply, and so few are chosen that I am so honored and I will never forget my experience.
 Since then I have had dream after dream of being a flight attendant. It's to the point where I have even questioned myself if I made the right decision walking away. What if it was meant for me and I just threw it away?! I wonder if I messed up big time and that was my chance. It's quite strange and sometimes hard because I thought I made the right decision. Did God open all those doors for me and I just slammed it right back in His face when I walked away? I don't think I did, but I've questioned myself.  I'm 29 and I have no job. I feel like a loser now. What's next?! If I did the right thing what am I supposed to do now? I'm confused with where I am in life right now, but I have to believe everything happens for a reason, and there are better things coming. Right?!

I suppose if I am wrong I can always apply to Alaska Airlines in 5 months.

Until then I will just keep up this blog I've started.