Sometimes, when there are no words, there are lyrics. Today is one of those days. Thank you T. Swift for once again writing a song that fits perfectly in my life.
"I Almost Do"
I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do
I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
Cuz each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do
Oh we made quite a mess babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess babe
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do
I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some days are just harder than others. I despise the emotional ones where you just want to cry.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I am a very open person, and I will talk to anyone about anything. But if there is one thing I am weary of doing, it is showing my emotions because of my fear of getting hurt. In the last few years I have experienced more hurt than I ever thought I would, and I have questioned many times, why me?! I know that I make stupid decisions, and many times I set myself up, but the questions still come. I read this blog a few months ago by a former stripper who came out and has been redeemed by Jesus , and I recently came across it in my journal and I once again am reminded of how much Jesus loves me(even though it is sometimes so hard to grasp).
"Love Is Already There"
Her heart will not heal. She feels like it just stays in a broken state. Her heart is stronger than it was before but still wide open, unafraid and very vulnerable. She wonders if maybe He just won’t allow it to heal. Perhaps, only one love can ever fill that void. She seems to understand this but still she keeps running away.
She feels He is fighting for her. Perhaps He is guarding her from more self-destruction and heartache. She seems to feel protected from her vice, the one she always chooses, love. He won’t allow anyone else try to heal her. It’s His job. She still searches for the fairytale she read in a book. A fairytale she still believes can happen to a girl like her. She seeks a love that doesn’t ever go away.
Her emotions are like a roller coaster just the way He made her. They are so intense and hard to hold back. She keeps searching and hoping to find her love. People tell her when you stop looking is when you’ll find it. She needs a peaceful heart. She needs the kind of heart that is everything that her mind has determined she’s not. Life has never been peaceful for her.
The harder she seeks love, the more she feels Him pursuing her. It frightens her because no one else has ever pursued her. When no one else is around He comes to her. He turns her crying face towards Him, wipes all her tears away and tells her how much He loves her. He calls her His beloved daughter and rocks her to sleep in His arms. She has peace through the night…
…then the next day she runs again.
She doesn’t know how to accept that His love for her is immeasurable and given to her freely. In her inconsistent life it doesn’t seem possible that there is a love that never goes away. Life for her has been drifting from one embrace into another leaving her feeling more defiled. She sought love from the entire empty world. She loves Him so much but realizes she also has to accept His love.
She sits in church holding back the tears on Sunday. She spent the night before seeking admiration and approval in the world. Even though she loves Him she still can’t grasp how He can love a woman like her. God loved her enough to send His one and only Son to the earth to die and save her from her sins. He also washed her clean. She is a new creation. No matter what anyone thinks of her He adores her. She is His beloved daughter. He is not a fairytale but even greater, the author and inspiration of the greatest love story ever! He is LOVE in it’s purest form. She just needs to slow down and take a breath. God’s gift comes without a price. She needs to accept His love as her main “love source”…
…and stop running. - Chrissy Moran
I am brought to tears by these words. These words of a woman who like me, can't seem to grasp the love of our Savior. The lies that I am not good enough for it haunt me on a daily basis, but I HAVE to believe that He loves me no matter what. That even if I am not blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally, HIS LOVE WILL BE ENOUGH. I have to stop running away from Him, and run towards Him. His arms are holding me regardless of how I feel. He's there, even if I feel like he's not. His love is more than enough for my broken heart. He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me.
Friday, June 15, 2012
I have always lived by the saying, "everything happens for a reason." I think I started living by that after I read the verse, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." In the last 4 years of my life I think that I have questioned the reasoning behind 90% of what's happened to me, yet I keep believing that regardless of my doubts there is a reason. I've cried enough tears to fill an entire pool I'm sure. I've made more mistakes than I want to even admit. I've loved and lost 2 people I never expected to have to say goodbye to. I've changed from a confident girl who knows what she wants; to an insecure girl with no sense of direction. Anyone who knows me knows I worry a lot, but it seems to be worse then ever now. I remember as little girl(even early teens), my dad would sit there and console me and tell me over and over that worrying was a "sin and Jesus didn't like it" to try and help me stop. So apparently I am a very big sinner because I am worried about something or other all the time.
Which opens the door to my biggest worry -- turning 29 and having nothing be the way I expected or dreamed it to be. I was laid off last year from Borders and it's almost been a year since I've worked which is crazy. I have been working since I was 16 and to not work has been quite an adjustment. Not only was I laid off, but I lost my job and my serious boyfriend who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved before in the same month. Talk about a kick in the ass. There is nothing worse then losing someone that close and having NOTHING to fill your time with to keep your mind off of it. Needless to say I fell into major depression mode. It was worse than anything I have ever experienced. I didn't eat, I slept, I cried, I went crazy, and then I started eating and gained 15 pounds. I was a hot mess. Then one day I was searching the web and I found out the Alaska Airlines was hiring flight attendants. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always DREAMED of being a flight attendant. As my Mom so kindly reminded me, I've only ever talked about becoming a flight attendant, working with kids, and being a mom. So I applied, and shockingly they sent me an email saying they wanted to set up a phone interview! I was so shocked and nervous and I NEVER get nervous about interviews! Finally a few weeks later after a few missed calls on both our parts, I talked to someone and had my official phone interview. I passed and was set up for the actual interview. They told me it could last at least 8 hours and to be prepared. To be honest, I was a little weary about an interview lasting THAT long, but they were right! I walked in that hotel conference room and saw what looked like 100 people there in their fancy suits, and a handful of Alaska employees. I can't lie and say I wasn't intimidated because I was. I wondered how the heck they were going to pick someone, and how many they were going to pick. We started at 8am sharp and I sat next to a couple girls and we ended up "friends" for the first part of the morning. After we sat there for a couple hours they split us into groups of 13 or so and we went into rooms and answered a bunch of questions. I was shockingly not nervous at all. I had gone into the interview with the attitude that "whatever happens, happens", and I wasn't about to think any differently. God had it all worked out and I firmly believed that. After the group interview they go out and "deliberate" and come back and tell you who makes it to the next cut. Girls were freaking out and I felt like I had to be even more calm to calm these girls down. After forever they came back and the girls next to me and myself all made it through to the next part. It was so exciting, but heartbreaking for the girls who didn't make it through. I saw the 2 girls I had made "friends" with that morning walk past the door of the room I was in and knew they hadn't made the cut. It was like a reality show ... and that's how the rest of the day went. A waiting game of different interviews that last from 8am-almost 7pm and I MADE THE CUT! Along with 10 or so others from the 80+ people who were there that morning. I was in complete shock and so overjoyed that I had been one of the "lucky ones" to make it that far. I didn't expect anything, and I walked out of that hotel with a renewed confidence and zest for life. I had accomplished something not many people do, but I had to wait 2 months to start the intense 6 week and pass before I was considered hired and an actual Flight Attendant for Alaska Airlines. My broken heart was on the mend, and I was beyond excited for the next chapter of my life, and accomplishing one of my dreams! Or so I thought...
I honestly can't say when I started doubting that I wanted to actually do the flight attendant thing. I think once the excitement wore off I started realizing that maybe it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted after all. Yes, it was an amazing opportunity which I knew, but something in the back of my mind was not convinced and I couldn't get rid of the doubts. I consulted a few friends and their advice was to at least do the program if I passed all the drug tests (which obviously I would!). I took their advice knowing that if I didn't at least try I would always regret it. I received my official welcoming packet 2 weeks before class, started memorizing all the state codes and learned military time. Class started April 2, 2012. That morning I was so excited/nervous/doubtful/scared/and any other crazy emotion you can think of. I think that was the start of my getting up 2 hours before I had to be to "work" to look the best I could look. There was a dress code and never in my life have I been a fan of dressing up, but I wanted to look good! I felt like such a lady with my "suit" on and my nails painted, even though I didn't feel like myself dressed up so nice. I will always and forever be a jeans, t-shirt, and converse type of girl! ... As I walked in the room at the training center it was such a huge blessing and relief to see my "friends" from the interview process that made it through with me. I feel like we really did have a bond since that day from such a crazy process we all went through together. There were almost 40 of us altogether scattered around the room with our names on a name tag that would be placed somewhere else on a daily basis so you got to know everyone (such a great idea!) It was intimidating, but the thrill and excitement on all of our faces was obvious. That day was the start of a crazy week. I had no idea I could learn so much information in one day, yet alone 5 days of sitting in a class for at least 8 hours a day. You also get to go to the mock plane and open the doors, the emergency exits, and go through different planes at the airport at the butt crack of done. Let me just say, walking through the airport with 30+ people dressed to their best is a thrilling experience. We felt like badasses with our trainee badges walking on those planes. It was epic that's for sure. : D At the end of the first week we had our "observation flight." This flight would be the last flight as passengers because from there on out you were going to be working is what they said. My flight was to BUR (Burbank, CA.) with a few other girls from my class. The flight was awesome, but I think it was there watching the flight attendants do their job that I knew that it wasn't for me. All the doubts that I had were affirmed on that flight even though I didn't want them to be. I wanted to be one, or so I kept telling myself. I walked off that plane and had the next day off from class. It was then that I tried to get my thoughts together, but spending time with family (Easter weekend), and hearing how excited they were for me just made it worse. How could I let all these people down that were so excited for me?! I started to think that everyone wanted this more than me and so I went back to class Monday telling myself that I would do this. I would not quit, I would give it everything I had, and even if I failed a test and got kicked out that I would finish this race. But it wasn't the same when I sat there and the next day was even worse. I wanted to keep going, but it was literally suffocating me with the thoughts that I knew this wasn't for me and I needed to get out. My roommate in the hotel was AMAZING, and I so badly wanted to talk to her about it, but I didn't know her well enough and just called my mom and my best friend. Both were so understanding and told me I needed to do what I felt was best, regardless of what anyone said or thought. I remember getting off the phone with them, laying on that hotel bed knowing that I was going to walk away and wanting to cry because this had always been my "dream" and I was about to quit. I almost walked out that night, but I knew that I had to be strong and face my roommate, classmates, and instructors. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and I cried telling them I felt my heart was not in it and I was meant for something else. Some of them cried, and I know some of them thought I was crazy, but I didn't regret my decision. The hardest person to tell was the "boss". He made me feel like I was crazy and pretty much smacked me in the face with the reality of what kind of opportunity I was giving up, but said he respected my decision and if I wanted to re-apply in 6 months because I changed my mind that I should. I find it hard to think they would rehire me after walking away, but it made me feel good. So I walked away from an opportunity that maybe have been the best I will ever have, but I walked away with no regrets. I met the most amazing people there and I am so blessed to have even been chosen for the job. So many apply, and so few are chosen that I am so honored and I will never forget my experience.
Since then I have had dream after dream of being a flight attendant. It's to the point where I have even questioned myself if I made the right decision walking away. What if it was meant for me and I just threw it away?! I wonder if I messed up big time and that was my chance. It's quite strange and sometimes hard because I thought I made the right decision. Did God open all those doors for me and I just slammed it right back in His face when I walked away? I don't think I did, but I've questioned myself. I'm 29 and I have no job. I feel like a loser now. What's next?! If I did the right thing what am I supposed to do now? I'm confused with where I am in life right now, but I have to believe everything happens for a reason, and there are better things coming. Right?!
I suppose if I am wrong I can always apply to Alaska Airlines in 5 months.
Until then I will just keep up this blog I've started.
Which opens the door to my biggest worry -- turning 29 and having nothing be the way I expected or dreamed it to be. I was laid off last year from Borders and it's almost been a year since I've worked which is crazy. I have been working since I was 16 and to not work has been quite an adjustment. Not only was I laid off, but I lost my job and my serious boyfriend who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved before in the same month. Talk about a kick in the ass. There is nothing worse then losing someone that close and having NOTHING to fill your time with to keep your mind off of it. Needless to say I fell into major depression mode. It was worse than anything I have ever experienced. I didn't eat, I slept, I cried, I went crazy, and then I started eating and gained 15 pounds. I was a hot mess. Then one day I was searching the web and I found out the Alaska Airlines was hiring flight attendants. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always DREAMED of being a flight attendant. As my Mom so kindly reminded me, I've only ever talked about becoming a flight attendant, working with kids, and being a mom. So I applied, and shockingly they sent me an email saying they wanted to set up a phone interview! I was so shocked and nervous and I NEVER get nervous about interviews! Finally a few weeks later after a few missed calls on both our parts, I talked to someone and had my official phone interview. I passed and was set up for the actual interview. They told me it could last at least 8 hours and to be prepared. To be honest, I was a little weary about an interview lasting THAT long, but they were right! I walked in that hotel conference room and saw what looked like 100 people there in their fancy suits, and a handful of Alaska employees. I can't lie and say I wasn't intimidated because I was. I wondered how the heck they were going to pick someone, and how many they were going to pick. We started at 8am sharp and I sat next to a couple girls and we ended up "friends" for the first part of the morning. After we sat there for a couple hours they split us into groups of 13 or so and we went into rooms and answered a bunch of questions. I was shockingly not nervous at all. I had gone into the interview with the attitude that "whatever happens, happens", and I wasn't about to think any differently. God had it all worked out and I firmly believed that. After the group interview they go out and "deliberate" and come back and tell you who makes it to the next cut. Girls were freaking out and I felt like I had to be even more calm to calm these girls down. After forever they came back and the girls next to me and myself all made it through to the next part. It was so exciting, but heartbreaking for the girls who didn't make it through. I saw the 2 girls I had made "friends" with that morning walk past the door of the room I was in and knew they hadn't made the cut. It was like a reality show ... and that's how the rest of the day went. A waiting game of different interviews that last from 8am-almost 7pm and I MADE THE CUT! Along with 10 or so others from the 80+ people who were there that morning. I was in complete shock and so overjoyed that I had been one of the "lucky ones" to make it that far. I didn't expect anything, and I walked out of that hotel with a renewed confidence and zest for life. I had accomplished something not many people do, but I had to wait 2 months to start the intense 6 week and pass before I was considered hired and an actual Flight Attendant for Alaska Airlines. My broken heart was on the mend, and I was beyond excited for the next chapter of my life, and accomplishing one of my dreams! Or so I thought...
I honestly can't say when I started doubting that I wanted to actually do the flight attendant thing. I think once the excitement wore off I started realizing that maybe it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted after all. Yes, it was an amazing opportunity which I knew, but something in the back of my mind was not convinced and I couldn't get rid of the doubts. I consulted a few friends and their advice was to at least do the program if I passed all the drug tests (which obviously I would!). I took their advice knowing that if I didn't at least try I would always regret it. I received my official welcoming packet 2 weeks before class, started memorizing all the state codes and learned military time. Class started April 2, 2012. That morning I was so excited/nervous/doubtful/scared/and any other crazy emotion you can think of. I think that was the start of my getting up 2 hours before I had to be to "work" to look the best I could look. There was a dress code and never in my life have I been a fan of dressing up, but I wanted to look good! I felt like such a lady with my "suit" on and my nails painted, even though I didn't feel like myself dressed up so nice. I will always and forever be a jeans, t-shirt, and converse type of girl! ... As I walked in the room at the training center it was such a huge blessing and relief to see my "friends" from the interview process that made it through with me. I feel like we really did have a bond since that day from such a crazy process we all went through together. There were almost 40 of us altogether scattered around the room with our names on a name tag that would be placed somewhere else on a daily basis so you got to know everyone (such a great idea!) It was intimidating, but the thrill and excitement on all of our faces was obvious. That day was the start of a crazy week. I had no idea I could learn so much information in one day, yet alone 5 days of sitting in a class for at least 8 hours a day. You also get to go to the mock plane and open the doors, the emergency exits, and go through different planes at the airport at the butt crack of done. Let me just say, walking through the airport with 30+ people dressed to their best is a thrilling experience. We felt like badasses with our trainee badges walking on those planes. It was epic that's for sure. : D At the end of the first week we had our "observation flight." This flight would be the last flight as passengers because from there on out you were going to be working is what they said. My flight was to BUR (Burbank, CA.) with a few other girls from my class. The flight was awesome, but I think it was there watching the flight attendants do their job that I knew that it wasn't for me. All the doubts that I had were affirmed on that flight even though I didn't want them to be. I wanted to be one, or so I kept telling myself. I walked off that plane and had the next day off from class. It was then that I tried to get my thoughts together, but spending time with family (Easter weekend), and hearing how excited they were for me just made it worse. How could I let all these people down that were so excited for me?! I started to think that everyone wanted this more than me and so I went back to class Monday telling myself that I would do this. I would not quit, I would give it everything I had, and even if I failed a test and got kicked out that I would finish this race. But it wasn't the same when I sat there and the next day was even worse. I wanted to keep going, but it was literally suffocating me with the thoughts that I knew this wasn't for me and I needed to get out. My roommate in the hotel was AMAZING, and I so badly wanted to talk to her about it, but I didn't know her well enough and just called my mom and my best friend. Both were so understanding and told me I needed to do what I felt was best, regardless of what anyone said or thought. I remember getting off the phone with them, laying on that hotel bed knowing that I was going to walk away and wanting to cry because this had always been my "dream" and I was about to quit. I almost walked out that night, but I knew that I had to be strong and face my roommate, classmates, and instructors. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and I cried telling them I felt my heart was not in it and I was meant for something else. Some of them cried, and I know some of them thought I was crazy, but I didn't regret my decision. The hardest person to tell was the "boss". He made me feel like I was crazy and pretty much smacked me in the face with the reality of what kind of opportunity I was giving up, but said he respected my decision and if I wanted to re-apply in 6 months because I changed my mind that I should. I find it hard to think they would rehire me after walking away, but it made me feel good. So I walked away from an opportunity that maybe have been the best I will ever have, but I walked away with no regrets. I met the most amazing people there and I am so blessed to have even been chosen for the job. So many apply, and so few are chosen that I am so honored and I will never forget my experience.
Since then I have had dream after dream of being a flight attendant. It's to the point where I have even questioned myself if I made the right decision walking away. What if it was meant for me and I just threw it away?! I wonder if I messed up big time and that was my chance. It's quite strange and sometimes hard because I thought I made the right decision. Did God open all those doors for me and I just slammed it right back in His face when I walked away? I don't think I did, but I've questioned myself. I'm 29 and I have no job. I feel like a loser now. What's next?! If I did the right thing what am I supposed to do now? I'm confused with where I am in life right now, but I have to believe everything happens for a reason, and there are better things coming. Right?!
I suppose if I am wrong I can always apply to Alaska Airlines in 5 months.
Until then I will just keep up this blog I've started.
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