30

Some days it hits me that I am an actual 30 year old woman. Today was one of those days where I sat back and thought about life, and how I always pictured it so differently than it is. When I was 25 I got married to a man I thought I knew, and I ran off with him after I broke the heart of a guy that I had been with for 2 years. Sounds harsh? That's because it was. My young naive self thought love was all about the butterflies and fairy tales. A man that I knew for almost my whole life wooed me and told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I fell for it. I let him talk me into marrying him faster then I could even get my thoughts together to say no. I had never made a decision like, that and I think that deep down I had always craved to do something extreme and not care. Well, the reality of the situation set in and all the words I had heard had no actions to back them up. It was over before it ever even began - I just didn't see it before it was too late. I ended up walking away with a broken, and regretful heart. My actions hurt me, but most of all people I truly did care about. Do I think it was a mistake that I married him? That's a tough one for me to answer. For many years I barely mentioned it. Even close friends didn't know I had been married before. It was as if it was something I was so ashamed of that I couldn't even admit to it. I closed myself up and made myself a promise I wouldn't ever talk about it. I realize now how damaging that actually was. When I finally did start talking about it, I was so broken and emotionally scarred that it showed. I hadn't let myself heal. I drowned myself in alcohol and careless living to numb the pain of my regret. I "gave" myself to "men" who didn't give a damn about me because it helped me not give a damn. No emotional connection was what I thought I wanted and needed. Maybe it helped, but I highly doubt it. It took me 2 years to finally admit to people in my small group at church what had happened. Even then, not everyone knew details. See, the truth is, I want to blame him for breaking my heart, lying, and using me. But I can't do that because it's not right. I made the decision to marry him and I did love him. For years I've been regretting it, but I'm not going to anymore. That part of my life has made me into the strong and independent woman I am today. I've spent the last 4 years trying to piece back the life that I thought I had lost, when that's not how it is. I lived, I loved, and I lost. Life goes on. I can't regret the decisions that I once so badly wanted. I've learned so much in 5 years. I mean heck, I even gave my heart to someone else 2 years after and I COMPLETELY got it broken again(which is obvious from past posts). Life is so full of amazing opportunities that you have to jump on them when they present themselves. You risk your heart in any situation where emotions are involved. I realize this, and I think that I'm finally willing to open up this heart of mine to heal and love again.

In 5 years I have seen more heartbreak then I ever thought possible. The road of despair has seemed endless, but I've also had so many wonderful moments and memories with people that I wouldn't take back even if I could. I've lost myself, and I've found myself. I fell into the deepest pits of despair laying there wondering how I would ever get out - but He helped me out. He has always helped me through every moment. Because I put my identity in a guy (or guy's), I know that has a huge part in my relationship history. I'm learning and continually learn that I can't place my identity in a man because they will always let me down. The only person who never will let me down is Christ.

So here is to my 30's. I'm claiming them to be my best and favorite time of my life. I'm also claiming that I find the man of my dreams and live "happily ever after." ; )

It's been awhile

I completely forgot I even had a blog until I was browsing my own profile and saw this link. Crazy how it's been a little over a year since I last posted something. I could tell by the content of it that my heart was still badly broken from a man I gave my entire heart to. I would love to say that the heart is healed and I've moved on, but I would be lying to myself. I haven't been the same since. Every day that has gone past has been a little easier, but the pain and feeling of loss is always there. I can't ever remember a time in my life that has been harder on me then that break up. When I look back I wonder to myself how someone could get so deeply inside your heart and soul that when you lose it you feel like you've lost a part of yourself. It's like the person completed who you were and when it's gone, so are you...or something like that. The whole love thing has never really been my strong point. I've broken more hearts then I would like to admit. Maybe it was just my time to be the one hurt for once. The more that time goes on, the more I move on, but my heart isn't the same. It's not the same carefree and loving heart that once was. The walls around my heart are bigger then they ever were before (and I thought I had some mighty strong ones!). Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to ever let them down. But then I remember that's how I felt before him too, and look what happened. Love is crazy. It's crazy, it's hard, it's overwhelming, it's confusing, it sucks, but most of all it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. No matter how much I would love to say I despise it and never want to be in love again... I would be lying to myself. I want to be in love. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. To know that someone at the end of the day always has my back and loves me with their whole heart. A best friend. A place that's safe and consistent that I can always count on. Without it being ripped out of my life again. Maybe that's why my relationships aren't working...because I'm so scared that I'm going to let someone in and the same thing is going to happen. Or maybe it's because deep down I am still that girl who loves that boy no matter how many months or years pass. But that girl realized a long time ago that the boy who promised "forever" would leave and never come back. Forever is a word some people use and have no understanding of the meaning. No one should ever utter the word forever when it has to do with love. Because forever never happens and there is always one person who is the broken one trying to put the pieces back together of a broken love story.

Emotions are a horrible thing that I have just learned to hide. At least where people other then family and friends are concerned. This heart of mine has just had too much pain to handle anymore heartbreak. I'm just not sure the risk is worth it anymore. I may prefer being single and changing the world one day at a time. That seems like a safer more realistic approach if you ask me. : )