Wednesday, November 13, 2013

It's been awhile

I completely forgot I even had a blog until I was browsing my own profile and saw this link. Crazy how it's been a little over a year since I last posted something. I could tell by the content of it that my heart was still badly broken from a man I gave my entire heart to. I would love to say that the heart is healed and I've moved on, but I would be lying to myself. I haven't been the same since. Every day that has gone past has been a little easier, but the pain and feeling of loss is always there. I can't ever remember a time in my life that has been harder on me then that break up. When I look back I wonder to myself how someone could get so deeply inside your heart and soul that when you lose it you feel like you've lost a part of yourself. It's like the person completed who you were and when it's gone, so are you...or something like that. The whole love thing has never really been my strong point. I've broken more hearts then I would like to admit. Maybe it was just my time to be the one hurt for once. The more that time goes on, the more I move on, but my heart isn't the same. It's not the same carefree and loving heart that once was. The walls around my heart are bigger then they ever were before (and I thought I had some mighty strong ones!). Sometimes I get scared that I won't be able to ever let them down. But then I remember that's how I felt before him too, and look what happened. Love is crazy. It's crazy, it's hard, it's overwhelming, it's confusing, it sucks, but most of all it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. No matter how much I would love to say I despise it and never want to be in love again... I would be lying to myself. I want to be in love. I want to love someone as much as I loved him. To know that someone at the end of the day always has my back and loves me with their whole heart. A best friend. A place that's safe and consistent that I can always count on. Without it being ripped out of my life again. Maybe that's why my relationships aren't working...because I'm so scared that I'm going to let someone in and the same thing is going to happen. Or maybe it's because deep down I am still that girl who loves that boy no matter how many months or years pass. But that girl realized a long time ago that the boy who promised "forever" would leave and never come back. Forever is a word some people use and have no understanding of the meaning. No one should ever utter the word forever when it has to do with love. Because forever never happens and there is always one person who is the broken one trying to put the pieces back together of a broken love story.

Emotions are a horrible thing that I have just learned to hide. At least where people other then family and friends are concerned. This heart of mine has just had too much pain to handle anymore heartbreak. I'm just not sure the risk is worth it anymore. I may prefer being single and changing the world one day at a time. That seems like a safer more realistic approach if you ask me. : )

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