I almost do

Sometimes, when there are no words, there are lyrics. Today is one of those days. Thank you T. Swift for once again writing a song that fits perfectly in my life.


"I Almost Do"

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
Cuz each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess babe
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

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Some days are just harder than others. I despise the emotional ones where you just want to cry.

I am a very open person, and I will talk to anyone about anything. But if there is one thing I am weary of doing, it is showing my emotions because of my fear of getting hurt. In the last few years I have experienced more hurt than I ever thought I would, and I have questioned many times, why me?! I know that I make stupid decisions, and many times I set myself up, but the questions still come. I read this blog a few months ago by a former stripper who came out and has been redeemed by Jesus , and I recently came across it in my journal and I once again am reminded of how much Jesus loves me(even though it is sometimes so hard to grasp). 

"Love Is Already There"

Her heart will not heal.  She feels like it just stays in a broken state.  Her heart is stronger than it was before but still wide open, unafraid and very vulnerable.  She wonders if maybe He just won’t allow it to heal.  Perhaps, only one love can ever fill that void. She seems to understand this but still she keeps running away.

She feels He is fighting for her.  Perhaps He is guarding her from more self-destruction and heartache.  She seems to feel protected from her vice, the one she always chooses, love.  He won’t allow anyone else try to heal her.  It’s His job.  She still searches for the fairytale she read in a book.  A fairytale she still believes can happen to a girl like her.  She seeks a love that doesn’t ever go away.

Her emotions are like a roller coaster just the way He made her.  They are so intense and hard to hold back.  She keeps searching and hoping to find her love.  People tell her when you stop looking is when you’ll find it.  She needs a peaceful heart.  She needs the kind of heart that is everything that her mind has determined she’s not.  Life has never been peaceful for her.

The harder she seeks love, the more she feels Him pursuing her.  It frightens her because no one else has ever pursued her.  When no one else is around He comes to her.  He turns her crying face towards Him, wipes all her tears away and tells her how much He loves her.  He calls her His beloved daughter and rocks her to sleep in His arms.  She has peace through the night…

…then the next day she runs again.

She doesn’t know how to accept that His love for her is immeasurable and given to her freely.   In her inconsistent life it doesn’t seem possible that there is a love that never goes away.  Life for her has been drifting from one embrace into another leaving her feeling more defiled.  She sought love from the entire empty world.  She loves Him so much but realizes she also has to accept His love.

She sits in church holding back the tears on Sunday.  She spent the night before seeking admiration and approval in the world. Even though she loves Him she still can’t grasp how He can love a woman like her.  God loved her enough to send His one and only Son to the earth to die and save her from her sins.  He also washed her clean.  She is a new creation.  No matter what anyone thinks of her He adores her.  She is His beloved daughter.  He is not a fairytale but even greater,  the author and inspiration of the greatest love story ever!  He is LOVE in it’s purest form.  She just needs to slow down and take a breath. God’s gift comes without a price.  She needs to accept His love as her main “love source”…

…and stop running. - Chrissy Moran

I am brought to tears by these words. These words of a woman who like me, can't seem to grasp the love of our Savior. The lies that I am not good enough for it haunt me on a daily basis, but I HAVE to believe that He loves me no matter what. That even if I am not blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally, HIS LOVE WILL BE ENOUGH. I have to stop running away from Him, and run towards Him. His arms are holding me regardless of how I feel. He's there, even if I feel like he's not. His love is more than enough for my broken heart. He will NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me.